What's happened today? Not a fat lot.

Achieved nothing. Ate cheese. And a Jammy Wagon Wheel. Tasty.

No firing two guns while jumping through the air. In fact still waiting for gun. Must write to chief constable...

"Dear Sir,

Please may I havea gun...in fact two guns, lots of bullets...and a dog.

All the best and toodles."

Have discovered am actually supposed to do work of five people. Decided impossible. Surrendered and did work of two people instead. Standard Operating Procedure.

Visited Crown Prosecution Service, it was hungry. Reviewed case on basis that it was quick and could go for lunch within ten minutes.

Did however find out nicotine replacement products are ineffective. Haven't tried them yet but now realise pointless task.

Also now know pointless task taking case to Crown Prosecution Service when it is hungry.