What's happened today? Not a fat lot.

Achieved nothing. Ate cheese. And a Jammy Wagon Wheel. Tasty.

No firing two guns while jumping through the air. In fact still waiting for gun. Must write to chief constable...

"Dear Sir,

Please may I havea gun...in fact two guns, lots of bullets...and a dog.

All the best and toodles."

Have discovered am actually supposed to do work of five people. Decided impossible. Surrendered and did work of two people instead. Standard Operating Procedure.

Visited Crown Prosecution Service, it was hungry. Reviewed case on basis that it was quick and could go for lunch within ten minutes.

Did however find out nicotine replacement products are ineffective. Haven't tried them yet but now realise pointless task.

Also now know pointless task taking case to Crown Prosecution Service when it is hungry.

Life on...Mars?

Have I gone mad? Travelled back in time, or am I in a coma?

I don't remember having an accident but the day I walked into Police training school the world changed.

I'm now living some kind of strange sub-reality and have long stopped asking myself about the why's and when's. All I can do is roll with the day to day, the ridiculous and the horrendous, and hope to get far enough down the line to claim the pension.

I've decided to start this blog so that one day when I read it back I'll be able to work out what kind of copper I've turned into.

For the moment all I have to say is:

It's 2007, almost teatime, I'm having hoops.

Bags of Glass.

Keen, fresh out of the packet, still with shiny boots and a freshly ironed shirt.

Find self grinning like idiot and hanging on for dear life as tutor - he's strawberry blonde, not ginger - makes old knackered car take wet roundabout at speed of 'kebab-churn'. Must look like Andrex Puppy panting out of window in crap home video show.

Arrive, serious face, notebook in hand. Speak with strange creature.

Creature: "Ooh me duck. He's done it me duck. He's done it and gone me duck."
Out of Packet Me: "Done what madam?"
Creature: "You know me duck. He's took it me duck. Took it and gone me duck."
Out of Packet Me: (Raise eyebrow before speaking) "What has he taken madam?"
Creature: "You know me duck. Me erm. That's it me stuff me duck. Took it and gone he has".
Not Ginger: (In very quiet Yoda voice) "Escaped he has. Find him we must."
Creature: "That's right me duck. Find him me duck".

Ten minutes of going round in circles to establish what has been taken and by who. Actually, only manage to establish what has been taken, as creature changes mind about name sixteen times. Start to believe am looking for man called 'Me Duck'.

Out of Packet Me: (Try to approach from level of creature) "So where's he took it to me duck?"
Creature: "You'll see his house me duck, on't' main road. It's got bags of glass me duck".
Out of Packet Me: "Bags of." (Insert bewildered stare) "Bags of glass?"
Creature: "That's right me duck. You know, bags of glass me duck".

Decide best option to leave creature where is and go out in search of bags of glass. Waste twenty minutes driving up and down main road pondering on it. Did it mean pond balls in netting? Some other new design trend? Not at all ginger in anyway takes longer than me to work out the pointlessness of the excercise.

Return to hovel of creature. More bewildered than before.

Out of Packet Me: "What did you mean bags of glass?"
Creature: "No, no, no me duck."

I don't bother replying, I just stare blankly.

Creature: "I meant bags for glass me duck. You know, when you 'ave your windows smashed and 'ave to use bags..."
Out of Packet Me: "...for glass...me duck. Goodbye."

I walk away, none the wiser, but wondering where the hell in the universe I've ended up. I mean seriously...

Police. Could you...go dogging?

How strange, a car, in this car park, at this time of night. Who'd have thunk it?

Switch on specialist lighting equipment. Movement...yep that's definitely movement...and there's the "bunny-in-headlights-crap-oh-crap-oh-crap look" from the guy in the drivers seat.

Hmmm...movement's not stopping. At the moment it looks like 'Cousin It' from the Addams family is using this guys crotch as a trampoline.

Try specialist audio equipment. No response, looks like 'Cousin It' hasn't quite finished trampolining. Quick check of the outside temperature...definitely fleece weather.

Zipped up and nice and warm now, exit standard police issue banger and approach driver's side of car with caution. 'Cousin It' still busy trampolining. Extend arm, try not to laugh at panic stricken face of driver. Tap on window.

Trampolining stopped and now second panic stricken face staring out of the driver's window.

Very strange. Panic stricken face changes rapidly into smile. Woman, in her mid twenties, not bad looking either. She sits back in her seat.

Now add my panic stricken face on the other side of the glass. She is starkers and smiling at me while the man driving frantically zips his lad back into his jeans.

Tap on window again, still panic stricken as woman shows no signs of dressing. Panic stricken driver opens window and stares at me agog. Ability to speak lost. I wait, not quite knowing what to say, or where to look. Find that am mostly looking where probably shouldn't. Look into the muff, not around the muff.

Starkers girl leans back across, swinging her ladies bits jauntily in my general direction. She smiles sweetly at me before saying "IF I'D KNOWN YOU LOT COULD DOG ON DUTY I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOTHERED WITH THIS LOSER. SHALL WE DO IT IN YOUR CAR OR OUTSIDE?"

Cue one panic stricken police officer returning to standard police issue banger and driving away with specialist lighting and audio equipment switched on.