Bags of Glass.

Keen, fresh out of the packet, still with shiny boots and a freshly ironed shirt.

Find self grinning like idiot and hanging on for dear life as tutor - he's strawberry blonde, not ginger - makes old knackered car take wet roundabout at speed of 'kebab-churn'. Must look like Andrex Puppy panting out of window in crap home video show.

Arrive, serious face, notebook in hand. Speak with strange creature.

Creature: "Ooh me duck. He's done it me duck. He's done it and gone me duck."
Out of Packet Me: "Done what madam?"
Creature: "You know me duck. He's took it me duck. Took it and gone me duck."
Out of Packet Me: (Raise eyebrow before speaking) "What has he taken madam?"
Creature: "You know me duck. Me erm. That's it me stuff me duck. Took it and gone he has".
Not Ginger: (In very quiet Yoda voice) "Escaped he has. Find him we must."
Creature: "That's right me duck. Find him me duck".

Ten minutes of going round in circles to establish what has been taken and by who. Actually, only manage to establish what has been taken, as creature changes mind about name sixteen times. Start to believe am looking for man called 'Me Duck'.

Out of Packet Me: (Try to approach from level of creature) "So where's he took it to me duck?"
Creature: "You'll see his house me duck, on't' main road. It's got bags of glass me duck".
Out of Packet Me: "Bags of." (Insert bewildered stare) "Bags of glass?"
Creature: "That's right me duck. You know, bags of glass me duck".

Decide best option to leave creature where is and go out in search of bags of glass. Waste twenty minutes driving up and down main road pondering on it. Did it mean pond balls in netting? Some other new design trend? Not at all ginger in anyway takes longer than me to work out the pointlessness of the excercise.

Return to hovel of creature. More bewildered than before.

Out of Packet Me: "What did you mean bags of glass?"
Creature: "No, no, no me duck."

I don't bother replying, I just stare blankly.

Creature: "I meant bags for glass me duck. You know, when you 'ave your windows smashed and 'ave to use bags..."
Out of Packet Me: "...for glass...me duck. Goodbye."

I walk away, none the wiser, but wondering where the hell in the universe I've ended up. I mean seriously...